Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Remember Candy Bar?

It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into m&m, but I said, "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I then said, "Look you little Reece Piece, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst.

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped... a Baby Ruth.

(With thanks to The Keeper)

5 comments:

Dr. Ralph said...

Monday is my favorite, or is it Tuesday? We certainly must not forget Wednesday, and what about Thursday,Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I simply must have them all.

martha's mom said...

That's very clever keeper!

Jake Blues said...

. . . I said woman, are you going to walk a mile for a Camel
Or are you going to make like Mr. Chesterfield and satisfy?

She said that all depends on what you're packing, regular or king-size. Then she pulled out my Jim Beam, and to her surprise, it was every bit as hard as my Canadian Club.

Johnny Hooker said...

Everything's jake.

The sting said...

HOOKER:
You got a back door to this place?

LORETTA:
No. What's wrong with the front?

HOOKER:
Look, I don't have time to fuck around. There's somebody out there I don't need to see. You got a fire escape or anything?

LORETTA:
No.
HOOKER:
All right, do me a favor. Go into the bathroom, open the window and wait for me there.

LORETTA:
What the hell for?

HOOKER:
Just do what I tell ya and everything'll be jake.

Moon Phase