Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Remember Candy Bar?

It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into m&m, but I said, "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I then said, "Look you little Reece Piece, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst.

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped... a Baby Ruth.

(With thanks to The Keeper)


Dr. Ralph said...

Monday is my favorite, or is it Tuesday? We certainly must not forget Wednesday, and what about Thursday,Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I simply must have them all.

martha's mom said...

That's very clever keeper!

Jake Blues said...

. . . I said woman, are you going to walk a mile for a Camel
Or are you going to make like Mr. Chesterfield and satisfy?

She said that all depends on what you're packing, regular or king-size. Then she pulled out my Jim Beam, and to her surprise, it was every bit as hard as my Canadian Club.

Johnny Hooker said...

Everything's jake.

The sting said...

You got a back door to this place?

No. What's wrong with the front?

Look, I don't have time to fuck around. There's somebody out there I don't need to see. You got a fire escape or anything?

All right, do me a favor. Go into the bathroom, open the window and wait for me there.

What the hell for?

Just do what I tell ya and everything'll be jake.

Moon Phase