SAN ONOFRE, California (ASS) - First it was the butt-boarders and kayakers, then sweepers. Now SOSC BOD, State Park and Lifeguard officials announced a ban on red trunks at San Onofre, effective immediately.
"There have been a rash of incidents of men wearing red trunks and pretending to be lifeguards," State Park Ranger and SOSC BOD member Ranger Ephraim said in a prepared statement. "Unfortunately, park rangers are usually occupied with issues at the Campground, doughnut shop and bathroom #4 and have been unable to apprehend or even identify the perpetrators.
"Our lifeguards are having to answer calls and disembark from the tower. They arrive on the scene only to find that their presence was unneeded." Lifeguard Chief Mitch Blew remarked.
When it was pointed out that distressed swimmers sometimes had to wait until near death for a lifeguard to arrive, Chief Blew was defensive. "Our people get tired running down all the false calls and they sometimes are slow to respond. If these false calls would stop, my people would be fresher and could respond in a more timely manner. You try climbing up and down that tower a few times, it takes a lot out of you!"
Mayor Murphy was the lone dissenting voice. "What will I wear now?" he asked. "Everyone knows that I wear red trunks and a red hat. I'm not sure what I will do. I may organize a protest. At the very least, an apology is in order."