Mini-Mayor takes a mate

It would seem that our beloved Mini-Mayor has found a mate. This morning while feeding him, I was watching one on his holes and watching him pull down the fodder which I was placing at his hole entrance, then I saw another hole about 10 ft away and saw what I thought was Mini poking his head out of the other hole. As I placed a piece of fodder at the other hole, I saw both pieces (one at each hole) disappear at the same time, which can only mean that there are 2 gophers. They seem very happy working together, we hope to see little Mini-Mini's running around soon. More later-----Maybe!

friday

Well with Puttzle not around this morning things were pretty boring. The surf was a good 4 to 6 ft offshore winds,but still kind of sloppy with some rideable waves. Not very crowded either. The speeders were on a tear this morning and some inland group was having a party at OLDMANS. Mini-Mayor was out and about this morning collecting his food supply. And poor RM this morning had to swim a couple of times. RM, wear a leash, I hate to see you swim like that and miss some waves because of it, (but it is fun to watch you CRAB cross the rocks). Osifer K was ripping this morning, TB JOE was having a little difficulty this morning getting out, and Nextel L was getting his share, Joe-in-his-shorts was happy to get wet but not to happy with the surf. The low tide really made things worsen and the Sand-Bar was pounding. But it was a beautiful morning all in all. See you at the beach. More later-----maybe.

Would-Be Car Burglar Locks Self in Trunk

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

San Onofre, Calif. (AP) - A man attempting to burglarize a kiosk over the weekend locked himself in the trunk and was swiftly arrested, rangers said. A security guard for So. Cal. Edison followed a trail of blood to a banging noise coming from the trunk in the early morning hours Sunday. Park rangers responding to the scene expected to find a victim, but instead discovered the burglar. "Genius, pure genius," said Murphy the Mayor of San Onofre. Rangers said he cut himself on the door of the kiosk, then trickled blood across the parking lot to the car he eventually locked himself inside. The man initially told rangers he had been hit on the head and stuffed in the trunk, but rangers found items stolen from another kiosk inside the trunk with the suspect. "He popped the trunk and crawled in there to stash 300 annual passes," Murphy said. "But then he grabs the trunk to heave himself out and closes it on top of him. He's got to be the dumbest criminal of the day." The man was taken to Talega Medical Center to be treated for cuts, then to the San Diego County Jail to be booked on two counts of theft. Rangers did not identify the suspect.

Rangers targeting 'slap' attackers

The assault is videoed and then texted to friends. Rangers say they are targeting young people involved in a new trend of assaults in which they "slap" surfers in the face for no apparent reason. Gangs of locals are said to record pictures of the assaults on their mobile phones and then text them to their friends. Rangers said the assaults at San Onofre Surf Beach were serious incidents and would not be tolerated. Supt Hal Dairywimple, of the state parks, said eight people had already been charged over this type of assault. He said: "We treat this very seriously. This is a priority crime for the state. "The message I want to get across is that this is not fun. This is an assault." Many other beaches are also concerned about the phenomenon. One beach, in south Orange County, has banned surfers from carrying mobile phones to the beach entirely. Pastor Ralph, head teacher of St Martin-in-the-Fields High School Surf Class which frequents San Onofre said: "If I found pupils were doing this I would take this very seriously and actually treat it as bullying and exclude them for a fixed term from school."

State Park Fined for Throwing Out Kissing Homosexuals

SAN ONOFRE (Reuters) - A gay couple who were thrown out of San Onofre Surf Beach in 2003 for kissing won an appeal Monday against an earlier court ruling that cleared the state of sexual discrimination. The Court of Appeals in Laguna Beach ordered State Park ranger Hal Dairywimple to pay $50,000 in damages and to cover the legal costs of San Onofre's ombudsman against sexual discrimination, SO-CLU, which filed the appeal. Dairywimple asked Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick to leave his beach after they kissed and later told other rangers he did not let anyone engage in such behavior on his beach regardless of their sexual orientation. Laguna Beach District Court cleared him of discrimination, a charge that can result in a year in jail, in the country's first test of legislation against sexual discrimination in the state park system. But SO-CLU director Hans Van Puttzle said the appeals court found the state failed to prove "these two boys behaved in a way that would justify telling them to stop or telling them to leave the premises." "The Court of Appeals has made it clear that discriminating on grounds of sexual orientation is a serious violation of people's rights and can cost you dearly," he told Reuters. "This will hopefully function as an effective deterrent."

San Onofre Mayor Murphy Resigns Amid Probe

Film at 11.

MORE MAYORISMS

1. Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.
2. Are you wearing your golfer's socks? The pair with a hole in one.
3. The musician in jail was anxiously awaiting his next release.
4. Two clock makers argued and got ticked off.
5. To golf at your favorite course may require a long drive.
6. Outdoor lights were put up at a golf course - for people who liked swinging nightclubs.
7. She became a golf professional to earn her bread and putter.
8. As a golfer you have to have good fore-sight.
9. Golfers would wear wrinkled clothes if it weren't four irons.
10. The fact that he was a bad golfer was a fore-gone conclusion
11. A racer who was also a golfer really knew how to drive.
12. He would promise to play golf, but he didn't know how to follow through.
13. Golfers hate cake because they might get a slice.
14. Expensive golf clubs are par for the course.
15. If you golf on election day -- cast an absent-tee ballot.
16. A man named Jim Golf offered training on building golf courses called Golf's golf course course.
17. A photographer taking pictures of golfers says 'watch the birdie'.
18. The sound that a golf cart makes is: 'putt..putt..putt'.

Twin Takes Candidate's Place in Parade

SAN ONOFRE - Mayoral candidate Murphy acknowledged Wednesday that his twin brother took his place in a parade this week, waving at onlookers who mistook the stand-in for the candidate. Murphy told The Associated Press he had a conflicting event and didn't intend to deceive anyone when Mayor Murray from Doheny walked in the parade. "We can't help that we look like each other," said Murphy, a surfer / golfer and leading contender for the mayor's post. As many as 250,000 people gathered along the famous dirt road to watch the decorated SUV's drive by on Saturday night. Many mistook the Doheny guy for the mayoral hopeful. "When he was waving, they would say, 'Murphy,' and he would say 'No, it's Murray,' but you can't really yell at 200,000 people along the route," Murphy said. Beach parade announcer Jim Irwin told radio station KFI, which first reported the story, that materials provided to him showed Murphy— not his brother — among passengers on the City Council float. He said he wasn't told about the replacement. "I thought it was Murphy myself, as I'm sure tens of thousands of others did," said Ranger Hal Dairywimple. Mayor Murphy did not immediately return a phone call to his office from The Associated Press. A woman who answered said the surfer was at the golf course that afternoon. Dairywimple said he believes the parade appearance was dishonest and deceptive. "If you're 18 years old and having a date, it might be a youthful prank when you swap out your brother, but when you're running for mayor of a beach with 1.3 million people and sending in your brother as an impersonator ... I do see a problem with it," Dairywimple said.

Surf Beach Gunman Puts Van 'Out of Its Misery'

SAN ONOFRE, Ca. - A man with car trouble is in trouble after shooting five rounds into the hood of his Dodge van "to put my van out of its misery." Unt Puttzle shot his 1975 Dodge van with a .380-caliber semiautomatic, Park rangers said. When the attendant at the kiosk asked what he was doing, Unt Puttzle said, "I'm putting my van out of its misery." He tucked his gun in a pocket and went surfing. He was arrested Wednesday on a misdemeanor charge of discharging a firearm in public. He posted $100 bail Thursday. Unt Puttzle said the van has been giving him trouble for years and had "outlived its usefulness." He called the shooting "dumb" and worries he will be forced to move out of state. But he doesn't regret it. "I think every guy in the universe has wanted to do it," Unt Puttzle told the Daily Sun-Post. "It was worth every damn minute in that jail." The EPA may also press charges as one of the rounds blew through the transmission spilling fluid into an ecological preserve. Another round pierced the engine block, but there was no oil in it to leak out.

NEW FAT-FRIENDLY POTTIES ENDANGERING THE SKINNY!

Skinny surfers are falling into enormous toilets - and fat tourist are to blame.

SAN ONOFRE: "The state parks are installing bigger toilets to accommodate the increasing size of tourists butts," says Adrian Greenbaum of People Opposing Outsized Potties (POOP). "As a result, slim people have to perch on the edge of the seat and are in terrible danger of falling into the water and drowning. If you manufacture a toilet the size of a hot tub to cater to big fat kooks, bad things are going to happen." Greenbaum says outsized toilets are being installed in thousands of beaches and campgrounds and to date, more than 200 thin people have fallen off their perch on the seat and plunged into the water. "Thank goodness there have been no fatalities so far," he says. "But it's only a matter of time. A friend of mine was surfing at San Onofre and they had a toilet seat big enough to accommodate three normal people.Unfortunately he fell into the water and accidentally flushed at the same time. 'I could have been swept out to sea,' he told me. 'It was like being caught under the Niagara Falls.' "

Taxidermist Turns Your Dead Pets Into Pillows

News Edition: 04/18/2005

San Clemente (AP) - A U.S. taxidermist has come up with a strange way to keep the memory of dead pets alive - cushions made from their fur. Dr. Ralph gets bereaved animal owners to send him their pets' bodies - which he then transforms into pillows and cushions. The soft furnishings feature the hair of your cat or dog on one side and the fabric of your choice on the other. And he has already sold hundreds of the Pet Pillows across the world in just a couple of months. Dr. Ralph from San Clemente, admits some people are initially shocked by the idea. But he said most animal lovers were thrilled by the chance to have a permanent reminder of their four-legged friends, such as a Mayor from San Onofre who had a gopher made into a golf ball cover.

Man admits leaving photos of genitals on cars

Apr. 14, 2005 11:22 AM

SAN ONOFRE - A 41-year-old man is behind bars today after he told rangers he left photos of his genitals on the vehicles of up to 100 women parked at surf beach, officials said. Rangers arrested the man on Tuesday on suspicion of public display of explicit sexual materials, public sexual indecency, possession of dangerous drugs and drug paraphernalia, park ranger Sgt. Hal Dairywimple said. Rangers have been investigating at least 30 reports of photos left on the cars of women since 1999. Dairywimple said rangers are working with the FBI on possible additional cases. Rangers got a break in the case when a man left DNA when he touched himself in front of women at two separate locations in November and December. The DNA from both samples matched and was placed into the national Combined DNA Index System (CODIS). Last month, rangers got a match to the DNA linking the crimes the suspect. Detectives began surveillance and said they saw him place a photo of his genitals on a woman's car Tuesday at 5:35 p.m. at the Point. He is being held in a San Diego County jail on an $18,000 bond, rangers said.

Wrong Bath Lands Legend in Hot Water

SAN CLEMENTE (Reuters) - A Surfing legend returning from an evening's blogging has landed in hot water after climbing into a relaxing hot bath in someone else's condo. The 70-year-old legend from San Clemente, was arrested and charged with unlawful entry after being discovered late Friday night in the bath tub of a condo about 50 yards from his own, police said. "I can't believe it wasn't my bath," ABC television quoted the legend, as telling investigators.

Surfer Fights Off Shark, Keeps Surfing

SAN ONOFRE, Ca. - A surfer at San Onofre fought off a seventeen-foot shark with his board — and kept on surfing, a ranger said. Bruce Savage returned to Old Mans Beach 30 minutes after surviving the attack, despite the beach being closed because of the danger, ranger Hal Dairywimple said. "He was pretty calm about it, very laid back," said Dairywimple, who was on the beach when the 70-year-old surfer rode his damaged board back in after the attack.

Savage was sitting on his board about 100 feet offshore when the shark attacked. He told a newspaper that he rammed the board, a recent 70th birthday present from his girlfriend Sabrina Wentworth, into the shark's mouth. He said it was a Talega Surf & Sport Sano model . "I shoved the board at it like a barge pole," the Daily Sun post quoted him as saying. He said the shark released the board and he quickly headed for shore. "It was only about 10 or 15 seconds that I was waiting for a wave but it seemed like an eternity," he told the newspaper. "You think you'd go to jelly when something like this happens but I was surprisingly calm." The shark took two bites of the fiberglass board before stopping the attack, Dairywimple told The Associated Press by telephone.

"There were two big puncture mark bites on the board, but it didn't actually bite a hunk out of it so he was able to ride it in,"Dairywimple said He came back 30 minutes later to surf with a replacement board, Dairywimple said. Last month, a 20-foot Killer Whale tore a man in half and ate 3 black labs as he and the slobbering dogs floundered off the point.

Mayor Gets A Steaming Pile O' Crap In The Mail

News Edition: 03/17/2005 SAN ONOFRE - A harassment complaint has been filed with park rangers after mini mayor found fecal matter in an envelope addressed San Onofre mayor Murphy.

The envelope was one of two that contained harassing materials, according to a report filed Friday with park rangers. The envelopes also contained aletter from someone complaining about the beach's ban on smoking in enclosed public places. Park rangers declined to comment about the contents of the letter, but Lt. Hal Dairywimple said officers are investigating. Dairywimple said rangers think both envelopes were sent by the same person.

The harassing letter - which had no return address - was discovered Friday
by mini mayor, an aide who opens all of Murphy's mail. San Onofre officials routinely receive phone calls, letters, e-mails and faxes from beachgoers upset about an issue or the way someone voted, but this communication crossed the line, Murphy said. "An angry letter is not that big a surprise," he said. "This was just a very, very sick person."

San Onofre to Host World Toilet Summit

Thu Apr 14, 8:47 AM ET Strange News - AP

SAN ONOFRE - The state parks plan to upgrade hygiene in its public toilets to meet international standards as it prepares to host the World Toilet Summit next year, a park official said Wednesday.

"Toilets are very important for the beach's image in the eyes of visitors," said Ralph Chareonsak, a senior official of the State Parks Public Health Ministry.

The conference is to be held at surf beach in May 2006.

The first summit, organized by the World Toilet Organization, was held in 2001 at Doheny, where toilet facilities are often in need of upgrades. Topics discussed at the meetings include toilet design and technology, toilet management and hygiene and energy-saving measures.

I'M IN A POETIC MOOD

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
and early each morning he played with his-----
banjo in the moonlight with the lady next door.
You could tell just by looking that she was a-----
fine country lady with a fine country lass
and when she rolled over you could see her fat----
legs in the moonlight she walked like a duck.
She promised the farmer a new way to----
raise a fine family the girls would all knit
and the boys would be outside shoveling----
corn cobs and cabbages and they did it quite well
and if you don't like my story you can just got to ---
bed.

The Michael Jackson trial reminds me of a good quick joke:
There's this couple.
Girl says, "We gotta break up."
Guy says: "But honey we get along great, have the same interests, finish each other's sentences, the sex is fantastic."
Girl says, "Yeah, but you're a pedophile."
Guys says, "Oh...pedophile! Big word for a 9 year old.

http://regularguys.modblog.com/

Hunt Is On For Idiot Turd Burglar

News Edition: 04/01/2005

SAN ONOFRE - Park Rangers are searching for a gunman who swiped a bag of poop from a man out walking his dog. The man told rangers that he was out walking his dog, Corky, on Monday when a man in his 20s ran up behind him and grabbed the bag he was holding.

When the gunman discovered what was in it, he threw it down in disgust, pointed his gun at the 45-year-old man and demanded money, Ranger detective Dairywimple said. He then aimed his .22-caliber semiautomatic at Corky and pulled the trigger twice but the gun didn't fire, Dairywimple said.

The robber ran to a waiting SUV and fled the scene, rangers said. A photographer at the point who specializes in speeding vehicles managed to capture the fleeing car on film and has posted it on a blog called SAN-O DAZE.

HE'S BACK!

I’m Emery on the gate I am,
Emery on the gate I am, I am,
I am working at the beach once more,
I have worked there 7 times before,
And every one was a Emery (Emery),
I wouldn’t have a Walter or a Don (no Don)
I’m the gate old man I Emery,
Emery on the gate I am

Second verse same as the first
I’m Emery on the gate I am,
Emery on the gate I am, I am,
I am working at the beach once more,
I have worked there 7 times before,
And every one was a Emery (Emery),
I wouldn’t have a Taylor or a Pam (no Pam)
I’m the gate old man I Emery,
Emery on the gate I am

(shouts)E-M-E-R-Y
Emery(Emery) Emery (Emery)
Emery on the gate I am, I am,
Emery on the gate I am.

IT'S A SLOOOOOOW NEWS DAY.

The adage that "necessity is the mother of invention" clearly holds true in the invention of the Murphy Bed. William L. Murphy, who was born in Columbia, California, near Stockton on January 1, 1876, moved to San Francisco at the turn of the century where he met his future wife. He lived in a one-room apartment that had a standard bed taking up most of the floor space. Because he wanted to entertain, he began experimenting with a folding bed, and applied for his first patent around 1900.

The "Murphy Wall Bed Company" of California came into being that year, making it one of the oldest furniture companies in America with nearly a century of continuous manufacturing and marketing.

The first of the folding beds were manufactured in San Francisco. In 1918, William Murphy invented the pivot bed that pivoted on a doorjamb of a dressing closet, and then lowered into a sleeping position - some of which are still in use today.

MORE LATER, MAYBE...

OVERHEARD BY THE MARSHALL

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Stu's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

DR. MURPHY, GEOMETRY PROFESSOR

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorum does this illustrate?

Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

ANOTHER MAYORISM

Murphy is in Vienna going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"

60-FOOT ALLIGATORS SIGHTED IN TRESTLES SWAMP!

They're as long as tractor trailers and the WETLANDS are full of 'em, says surfer!

TRESTLES Ca. - Stewart Becker spent four grueling hours paddling his battered surfboard back to the beach after it collided with a never-before-seen monster of the Trestles-- a 60-foot-long alligator! "I could have avoided hitting it if I had not been so stunned by its size," the 29-year-old surfer declared. "But I have never seen a gator anywhere near that big in my life. "When I saw it, I flat couldn't move a muscle. All I could see were its fiery eyes and its incredible teeth -- rows and rows of 'em. They looked like cavalry sabers. "The next thing I knew, 60-footers were popping up all around me. Any one of 'em could have chewed me up and swallowed me in one gulp. They're as long as tractor trailers and the trestles are full of 'em. Stewart, who lives in San Clemente, said he believes at least two dozen of the giant gators inhabit the swamp area at the popular Trestles .surf spot. "I wasn't about to stop and make a head count," Stewart said. "As far as I'm concerned, just one of those brutes on the loose is too many. But I could see there was a hell of a lot more than one."

Dana Point reptile expert Dr. Sidney Ralph said the giants may be survivors from the dinosaur era that only recently hatched from eggs laid millions of years ago. The eggs could have survived if they had been buried in mud by some disaster that occurred after they were laid," Dr. Ralph explained. "For some reason they worked their way to the surface where the California sun hatched them out. "The gators have been feeding on fish and the gophers that inhabit the wetlands. What we have to do now is take them captive so they can be fed and cared for properly. "If not, they most certainly will die. Then the world will have lost a priceless relic dating back before the dawn of man. We simply cannot allow that to happen."

GIANT LOCUSTS SWARMING SAN ONOFRE!

SAN ONOFRE - Locusts the size of French poodles are swarming through parts of Camp Pendleton eating everything in their path, including bamboo, bushes, gophers, surfboards and at least one slow-moving old surfer.

"It's like something out of a science fiction book," declared a Murphy the Mayor. Frantic rangers blame the plague on the escape of a pair of genetically altered "Adam and Eve" locusts fleeing a military biological warfare laboratory storage facility.

"These are not the kind of locusts that occur in nature. They were engineered not only to be giants, but so that a single mating pair would be capable of producing millions of offspring within weeks - like a chain reaction," revealed biologist Dr. Pyotr Simonov Puttzle. "The male and female locusts were kept apart so they couldn't breed, but a male and female escaped containment. Nobody knows how, but the results have been disastrous." Dr. Puttzle said the flying locusts grow to be 12 to 16 inches long, "the length of a toy French poodle." They don't weigh as much as a poodle - insects don't have bones. But the scientist says they weigh up to a half-pound on an empty stomach, compared to the 4 to 8 pounds the average toy poodle weighs. "There are billions of them, and the sound of their wings is like the roar of locomotives. They descend on crops and devour them flower and stem," said Dr. Puttzle."They've eaten storage sheds, grain silos and at least three homes. When they run out of crops, they eat bushes and trees, and when those are gone, they eat wood-frame structures."

Said Christian missionary Tubesteak, "A woman told me that her whole family had to flee their RV on foot when the locusts overran it." She said her 79-year-old father couldn't run fast enough and the locusts swarmed over him and devoured him. Another surfer told me the locusts ate his gopher!" This is what the terrible plagues of Egypt must have been like when God unleashed the locusts after Pharaoh refused to release Moses' people from captivity."

IMPORTANT NOTICE!

It has been brought to our attention that some of these blogs have shown up in foriegn languages. As many of you know, this blog is publised in 392 languages and dialects world wide thanks to the advanced software developed by Puttzle. Apparently our main server in brussels had some sort of malfunction and mis-directed the wrong translations to the wrong das kuschelige LEO-Design ist nun doch etwas in die Jahre gekommen, und die Übersichtlichkeit hat mit den Angebotserweiterungen um Französisch, die Vokabeltrainer und die Foren. It is now fixed and auch nicht zugenommen. Wir hoffen, dass das neue Design nach den obligaten Eingewöhnungsproblemen eine Verbesserung in jeder Hinsicht bedeutet.

We will make sure that this problem Übersichtlichkeit does not occur again.

Grandma swallowed by shark as big as a helicopter!

07 April 2005
SAN ONOFRE (Sun-Post) - An elderly woman was devoured by a 22ft great white shark as she took a morning surf at a San Onofre Surf Beach yesterday. Witnesses including children saw the beast attack 77-year-old grandmother three times then circle her before dragging her beneath the waves 60ft off Old Mans. Her red surfing cap floating on the swell was all that was left. Lifeguards who searched in vain said they had spotted a shark 'as big as a helicopter'.

The Mayor and his side-kick Mini mayor watched the horror from Mini's beachside abode. He said he saw a wild thrashing in the sea and at first thought the shark was attacking a sea lion. 'Then I saw somebody in the water. There was a hell of a lot of blood,' he said. ' I then saw the shark circle around the victim, and then in just one big mouth, and not even breaching the water, took her in.'

Another witness, Joe Isuzu, said the shark 'took her, left her lying in the water, and then came back for her again and again'. The grandmother, who lived alone locally, had regularly surfed there at dawn for 47 years.

'She surfed every day, except on Sundays. Then she would walk down to church,' said Grumpy, one of a group of friends who were with her. 'She was a tall, very elegant, handsome lady. She was athletic and in excellent health,' he added.

She had often been warned not to go too far out but always said, 'When it's my time, it will be my time,' said Ranger Ephriam.

An air-sea rescue mission failed to find a body.

Dr. Puttzle of the National Sea Rescue Institute said a shark had been spotted in the vicinity, which he said was 'bigger than the helicopter, just huge'. He added that it was highly usual for a great white to repeatedly attack a person. He suspected that fish released by a school teacher fishing in the area may have created a feeding frenzy.

It was the third shark attack in the area in just over a year and the beach has now been closed to surfers until further notice. The great white is found in large numbers around south Orange county. Sightings at San Onofre bay have increased dramatically in recent years.

THIS IS GREAT NEWS!

THIS IS GREAT NEWS!
Buhay San Onofre:

Murphy the Mayor atatandaan ko noong bata pa ako, madalas San Onofre akong kuwentuhan ng aking kapatid. May isa siyang munting aklat Puttzle na madalas basahin sa akin na naglalaman ng mga sari-saring kuwento tungkol sa mga hayop na gopher nagbibihis at kumikilos na parang Big Kook tao.

San Onofre hindi ko pa alam na Dr. Ralph pala ang tawag sa mga kasaysayang iyon. Basta't pinapakinggan ko lamang sila habang isinasalaysay sa akin ng aking kapatid at tinatawanan sa mababaw park ranger nitong kahulugan. Kiefer ng hindi ko alam, ang mga kasaysayan palang iyon Tubesteak Kahuna ays isang buhay na pangaral base sa tunay na pag-uugali at pamumuhay ng mga tao. Nang ako ay magka-isip, at saka ko lamang naunawaan ang lahat Great White Shark!

A MESSAGE FROM THE "MINI MAYOR"

Ook Gopher Publishers failliet

Gepubliceerd op donderdag 07 abril 2005

(P7) Een volgend bedrijf van San Onofre is door de rechter failliet verklaard: Gopher Publishers in Groningen, twee jaar geleden overgenomen en al zes jaar een veelbelovend internetbedrijf unt Puttzle.

Afgelopen week is Quote Media-dochter Gopher Publishers failliet verklaard. Curator Murphy is begonnen aan een poging om de restanten van het bedrijf nog te gelde te maken San Onofre!

MOST POODLES ARE GAY!

By "The Very Straight" Dingo

A new study has confirmed what many people have long suspected, most male poodles are gay!
"The meticulous grooming and sassy outfits favored by most poodles have always made people suspicious," explains Dr. Ralph, a sociologist who directed the three-year study of canine sexuality.

Interestingly, the study found that over 75 percent of male poodles are homosexual, while only three percent of female poodles are lesbians. These findings have led many to wonder if male poodles are born gay or if they become gay due to their environment.

Please Respect Your Surf Spot

Today we discovered that some person or persons damaged and tried to remove a plaque honoring Doug Craig who was a major force behind San Onofre Surfing Beach. Respect the place you love to surf, if you don't it will no longer be a place to bring your family to enjoy the beautyful ocean and all its surroundings because people like this who show no respect will not respect you, making a day at San-O as much fun as walking down the street in T.J.! If you see someone vandalizing, tell a Ranger or tell the LOCALS so this can be stopped before it gets out of hand, and it will send a message that this type of behavior will not be tolerated. This great Beach is for us all to ENJOY not Destroy! More later------maybe

Surfers warned of shark risk off San Onofre

SAN ONOFRE (AFP) - The chilly waters off San Onofre are inviting for surfers, and those who do venture in for a surf have been able to do so in the knowledge they are safe from sharks.

Until now, that is.

In a virtually unprecedented warning, State agencies warned surfers, divers and others thinking of braving San Onofre to be on the alert for Great White sharks. The discovery of a series of dead porpoises washed up onto surf beach , some with large chunks apparently bitten out of them, has prompted the warning, the State reported on Wednesday.

Around 45 porpoises have been found along with the headless bodies of seals and remains of other large fish and gophers. Experts say this points to the presence of a large white shark nearby. The sharks, which grows up to 25 feet in length, are known to be found in local waters. It is thought that conservation efforts off California which have greatly increased the local porpoise population might have attracted a shark, the state said.

"We would advise all those using the water, including surfers, fishermen and divers, to be especially careful and vigilant," Dr. Ralph said in a statement. "There have been many reported sightings of this shark ."

Some of the porpoise bodies have been sent to Dr. Ralph of the Natural History Museum so the cause of death can be determined, the state added.

More sharks spotted at San Onofre

SAN ONOFRE - San Onofre Surf Beach is closed as sharks still swarm the coast, NBC 4 reported on Tuesday. Thousands of sharks circled just a few hundred feet from shore off The Point, just north of Old Mans, on Tuesday.

Biologist Dr. Puttzle believes the sharks are probably Great Whites, which are seen this time of year in shallow water as they migrate north into cooler waters. The sharks are looking for food such as fish, squid, rays, gophers, and surfers.

Last week, sharks forced beachgoers to avoid the water at Trestles, Trails, and T Street.

WOMEN STRIKE GOLD AT SAN ONOFRE!

WHY MEN WITH POT-BELLIES TURN WOMEN ON

Hey, Men, if you're fat and out of shape, we have fantastic news for you -- guys with potbellies turn women on.

For decades, men have been under the erroneous assumption that females crave buff men with rock-hard abs. This couldn't be further from the truth.

According to a new survey conducted at San Onofre by the What Women Want Society, most ladies prefer a portly boyfriend with a protruding gut, because it suggests that the man could care less about superficial issues, such as health and personal hygiene, which affords him more time to lavish attention on his mate."

Barb Dwyer, an attractive 33-year-surfer, puts it this way: "I've been with gorgeous guys, and all they talk about is their good looks and their boudoir expertise. Those men are too conceited for me. I prefer a real man with a spongy belly that hangs down over his size-45 belt."

Along with repulsive potbellies, the survey also shattered other misconceptions about what ladies desire in a man. Women actually adore macho jerks who wear lots of gold chains and cheap cologne. They also go for unclean louts who are obsessed with sports, who give false compliments, who are overly aggressive, who drink to excess and who can belch the William Tell Overture.

Change of heart!

Well after such a long time of trying to rid the "POINT" of Lonnie Jr. I've decided to make him a LOCAL! I've stoned him, tried to burn him out (and lets not forget the shovel) but the little bugger has held his ground. From now on he's one of the guys with all the respect he deserves. More later-------(maybe)

WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT IN A MAN... PERIOD

By Anita Lay

A study taken at San Onofre shows that the type of male facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

"My team and I surveyed thousands of female surfers ages 18 to 55," says Professor Ralph, who has conducted classes on feminism for 20 years. "We also clinically measured hormone levels and biological functions to obtain our groundbreaking results."

Professor Ralph discovered these three important scientific facts:

1. If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. "This is the evolutionary instinct to mate with a man who will be a strong protector and provider," says the expert.

2. If a female is menstruating, she looks for a gentler, sensitive type of guy whose facial features display understanding. "In this part of a woman's cycle she is more vulnerable and needs the comfort of someone who looks like he will provide warmth and security," explains Ralph.

3. If a woman is suffering from what is commonly known as PMS, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors jammed in his temple and a golf club shoved up his ass while he is on fire. "We're not sure what to make of this one," says Ralph.

Confirmed Mountain Lion Sighting at San Onofre

By Hugh Jorgan

SAN ONOFRE - On April 4, 2005 at 12:45 p.m., there was a confirmed sighting of mountain lions on the east side of the of the dirt road near Old Mans. In recent years there have been confirmed sightings of mountain lions in the Point area. Although the likelihood of a mountain lion attack is less than being struck by lightening, State Park Rangers advise to be prepared for such an encounter. The California Department of Fish and Game has several suggestions:

DO NOT GO TO SAN ONOFRE ALONE: Go in groups, with adults supervising children.

KEEP CHILDREN CLOSE TO YOU: Observations of captured wild mountain lions reveal that the animals seem especially drawn to children. Keep children within your sight at all times.

DO NOT APPROACH A LION: Most mountain lions will try to avoid a confrontation. Give them a way to escape.

DO NOT RUN FROM A LION: Running may stimulate a mountain lion's instinct to chase. Instead, stand and face the animal. Make eye contact.

DO ALL YOU CAN TO APPEAR LARGER: Raise your arms. Open your jacket if you are wearing one. Throw stones and branches or other objects. Wave your arms slowly and speak firmly in a loud voice.

FIGHT BACK IF ATTACKED: People have fought back successfully with rocks, sticks and golf clubs.

THIS HAS "MURPHY" WRITTEN ALL OVER IT!

The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionize the sport. The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the "bee nut." It is a fastening attachment that allows players to adjust the heads on their clubs to any angle, saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs. Thus, for example, a player can use the same club to putt or get out of a sand trap. Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and players are taking golfing picnics ...so they can try their new "bee-nut putter sand-wedge."

MAN BITTEN BY RABID SQUIRREL AT SAN ONOFRE

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
By Harold Beaver

For the first time in a quarter-century, State park officials have discovered a rabid squirrel. The squirrel met its end Monday after being caught by a dog near bathroom #4.

Murphy, the Mayor of San Onofre, said a man was walking his dog on the beach and the dog caught the infected squirrel. "The dog went over, held the squirrel in its mouth for some time, and dropped it," Murphy said.

The dog's owner, a 50-year-old beach transient, tried to help the wounded animal by moving it near the bamboo. But in its waning moments of life, the squirrel bit back. "He was bitten on his finger after an encounter with the dog and squirrel," Murphy said.

The squirrel didn't die immediately, and was transported to the state's lab for testing. In bite cases, the state tests dead animals for rabies because of an ongoing outbreak in the local animal kingdom. Rabies is regularly reported in gophers, bats, foxes and skunks, but only seven squirrels with the virus have been found at San Onofre since 1951.

"We think this underscores the fact that high-risk species aren't the only animals that can carry the rabies virus," Murphy said. "People need to avoid contact with all wild animals, and all stray dogs and cats."

State officials believe the virus made a comeback after rabid gophers from Mexico were introduced into California. Pet owners should avoid contact with animals their pet has encountered, Murphy said. They also should refrain from touching their pet with bare hands after such an encounter , especially if saliva from another animal is on their pet. Rabies virus is transmitted through saliva.

If a pet has such an encounter, the owner should wear rubber gloves while washing their pet with soap and water and call their veterinarian.

late news

MAYOR PASSES OUT FROM PAINT EXHAUSTION!


( APRIL FOOLS) More Later-----

Great White Shark Released Off San Onofre

Fri Apr 1,11:05 AM ET
By Laura Lynn Hardy

SAN ONOFRE, Calif. (Reuters) - A great white shark in captivity for a record six months was released into the Pacific Ocean on Thursday after it attacked and killed two smaller sharks and the guy who fed it in its tank at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

The female shark -- not quite a year old now -- was starting to act like a hunter in the huge display tank where she has lived 198 days with a number of smaller sharks, tuna and other fishes and turtles, aquarium scientists said.

She bit and killed a soupfin shark in late February and another earlier in March, but the aquarium staff did not see clear hunting behavior until Monday when she ate an employee said Dr. Puttzle, a marine biologist at the aquarium.

"For the first time, she was chasing other things around. She was hunting," he said.

Before the Monterey Bay Aquarium obtained this shark, the longest a great white shark had survived in captivity was 16 days.

The young shark was also growing too large for the exhibit, growing to 16 feet 4 inches and 2162 pounds since she was caught in a fisherman's net off San Onofre in August 2004, the scientists said.

"We were concerned with her size and when we saw this change in her behavior, we decided the time was right to release her," Puttzle said.

The shark was about 5-foot-long and weighed 62 pounds when it was first brought to the aquarium. It has been hand-fed fifty pounds of kitten, sea lion and horse almost every day since.

The great white shark was released into the waters of San Onofre, about 100 miles south of Los Angeles , shortly before sunrise on Thursday.

Marine scientists said the young shark should adapt easily to life in the wild as San Onofre is known to be Great White feeding grounds. She was equipped with a tag to track her movements for the next 30 days.

Nearly one million people have crowded San Onofre to watch the shark swim and chase surfers.

JUST THE FACTS

DUI Suspect Eats Feces
Wed, March 30, 2005
By Ivan Oder

SAN ONOFRE - An accused drunk driver tried but failed to foil a park ranger breathalyzer after stuffing his mouth full of feces. "I don't think alcohol alone would make you do something as disgusting as that," Ranger Hal Dairywimple said. "I've never heard of anything like this before," said the 28-year state park veteran.

Arrested Sunday after his Ford van was pulled over on the dirt road just north of Dogpatch, the 59-year-old driver was loaded into a cruiser and taken to the ranger station for testing. En route, Ranger Ephriam said the prisoner vomited, urinated and defecated in the rear of the car. After arriving at the station, he said the man grabbed a handful of his own waste "and placed it in his mouth, attempting to trick the breathalyzer machine."
It didn't work, Ephriam said.

The motorist was charged with impaired driving, plus driving with more than .30 of alcohol in his system. "This fellow was in dire need of help. It's bizarre, but the effects of alcohol can make people do strange things," Ephriam said.

The cruiser took two hours to clean and "it's back on the road."

NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!

Don't forget to set your clocks back this weekend. The best way is to set your alarm for 2AM on sunday, get up and set all of your clocks to 1AM, then go back to bed knowing that you are now in sync with the rest of the world. Remember, spring back, fall forward!