WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT IN A MAN... PERIOD

By Anita Lay

A study taken at San Onofre shows that the type of male facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

"My team and I surveyed thousands of female surfers ages 18 to 55," says Professor Ralph, who has conducted classes on feminism for 20 years. "We also clinically measured hormone levels and biological functions to obtain our groundbreaking results."

Professor Ralph discovered these three important scientific facts:

1. If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. "This is the evolutionary instinct to mate with a man who will be a strong protector and provider," says the expert.

2. If a female is menstruating, she looks for a gentler, sensitive type of guy whose facial features display understanding. "In this part of a woman's cycle she is more vulnerable and needs the comfort of someone who looks like he will provide warmth and security," explains Ralph.

3. If a woman is suffering from what is commonly known as PMS, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors jammed in his temple and a golf club shoved up his ass while he is on fire. "We're not sure what to make of this one," says Ralph.