SAN ONOFRE - Locusts the size of French poodles are swarming through parts of Camp Pendleton eating everything in their path, including bamboo, bushes, gophers, surfboards and at least one slow-moving old surfer.
"It's like something out of a science fiction book," declared a Murphy the Mayor. Frantic rangers blame the plague on the escape of a pair of genetically altered "Adam and Eve" locusts fleeing a military biological warfare laboratory storage facility.
"These are not the kind of locusts that occur in nature. They were engineered not only to be giants, but so that a single mating pair would be capable of producing millions of offspring within weeks - like a chain reaction," revealed biologist Dr. Pyotr Simonov Puttzle. "The male and female locusts were kept apart so they couldn't breed, but a male and female escaped containment. Nobody knows how, but the results have been disastrous." Dr. Puttzle said the flying locusts grow to be 12 to 16 inches long, "the length of a toy French poodle." They don't weigh as much as a poodle - insects don't have bones. But the scientist says they weigh up to a half-pound on an empty stomach, compared to the 4 to 8 pounds the average toy poodle weighs. "There are billions of them, and the sound of their wings is like the roar of locomotives. They descend on crops and devour them flower and stem," said Dr. Puttzle."They've eaten storage sheds, grain silos and at least three homes. When they run out of crops, they eat bushes and trees, and when those are gone, they eat wood-frame structures."
Said Christian missionary Tubesteak, "A woman told me that her whole family had to flee their RV on foot when the locusts overran it." She said her 79-year-old father couldn't run fast enough and the locusts swarmed over him and devoured him. Another surfer told me the locusts ate his gopher!" This is what the terrible plagues of Egypt must have been like when God unleashed the locusts after Pharaoh refused to release Moses' people from captivity."
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