Saturday, October 07, 2006

No thanks, I'll just tolerate the hiccups...

Bill Hornsby, a San Clemente resident, has just been awarded the lg Nobel prize-the humorous counterpart to this weeks Nobel prize.

Bill, recently struck with worse case of hiccups imaginable, tried all the old cure- alls he could think of, all with no results.

As a last ditch effort, he thought what the heck and stuck his finger in his rectum, his hiccups were gone.

This is pretty much the kind of content you'd expect with a title like this.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

# David T. Kaplan's cure (with request for donation)
Cures involving your breath (or respiratory tract)
# (X) Laugh.
# (X) Swallow air.
# (X) Hyperventilate.
# (X) Induce a cough or sneeze.
# (X) Do the Valsalva maneuver.
# Relax and breathe from your diaphragm.
# Inhale and exhale once a second for two minutes.
# Take three to five of the deepest breaths you can.
# Do the Complete Breath as practiced in Hatha Yoga.
# (X) Blow on your thumb (as if you were blowing up a balloon).
# (X) Hold your breath (for 8 seconds, for as long as you can, etc.).
# Inhale some air into your stomach, then let out as loud a belch as possible.
# (X) Cough and continue to blow until your lungs are empty; repeat three times.
# Carefully inhale; pause briefly; carefully exhale; pause briefly; repeat this several times.
# Inhale deeply; hold your breath for a slow count to twenty; exhale slowly; repeat three or more times.
# Breathe slowly and semi-shallowly through your mouth; relax your stomach and chest as much as possible.
# Exhale as much air from the lungs as possible; take tiny breaths in and out for as long as you can; repeat if necessary.
# Breathe in through your mouth as deeply as you can, as if you you're going to sigh. Count to ten, then let your breath out with a sigh.
# As soon as the hiccups start, put your head on the ground (so that your body is in an inverted V) and hold your breath for ten seconds.
# Exhale as fully as possible and hold it out as long as possible; take a long, slow, deep breath; pause; slowly exhale; relax and breathe normally.
# (X) Plug your ears (so sound is partially blocked), take a deep breath and swallow 3-6 times straight, without taking a breath between swallows.
# Sit somewhere quiet; make sure your posture is straight; breathe slowly and deeply, diaphragm-style, then breathe through your nose as slowly as you possibly can.
# A second or two before you expect a hiccup, exhale completely, firmly constrict your diaphragm muscles, and hold that position for several seconds; then breathe normally.
# Close your mouth and breath easily through your nose; swallow easily once; tell yourself: "The electrical system short you have experienced has been corrected and your hick-up is gone."
# Lie down flat on the floor, press both fists against your stomach (parallel to each other, so that each fist touches each wrist), and breath deeply. (Alternatively, have an assistant do the pressing.)
# Hold your arms out like a cross; breathe in as deeply as you can; bring your hands together in front of you as slowly as possible; once your hands touch, breathe out completely, as slowly as possible; take a slow breath in.
# Breathe in as you normally would to hold your breath, then repeat this as long as possible: suck in more air, wait two seconds, suck in more air, wait two seconds, etc.; then, hold your breath as long as you can; exhale slowly, completely.
# Lie down; stretch out as far as you can (fingers toward the wall above your head, toes pointed toward the wall below your feet); hold your breath as long as possible then breathe once quickly for a quick half of a second then hold your breath again.
# Lie flat on your back, completely relax your body, letting the air out of your lungs (don't force it out, just relax and let it flow out) until there is no pressure on your diaphragm; wait until the hiccups cease. (Once you've mastered this technique, you may be able to do it without lying down.)
# Take as slow and as deep a breath as you can tolerate (it should take at least 10 seconds to inhale; longer is better); near the end of this breath, you will feel a kind of shudder in your diaghram; affter the shudder, go back to breathing normally (if you do not feel the shudder, repeat the process until you do).
# Exhale all of your breath, squeezing the air out as thoroughly as you can and hold your breath. While holding your breath, swallow two or three times (depending on how good you are at holding you breath and swallowing). Swallowing hard helps but is not necessary. Swallowing can be done either dry, using saliva or using a small sip of water. If you feel like you may hiccup again, quickly partially exhale and swallow hard.
# As soon as the hiccups start (ideally, after only two or three hiccups), take several deep breaths quickly (that is, hyperventilate), exhale most of the air in your lungs, hold your mouth and nose closed so you can’t breathe. Then (and, if you can time it, just before the next hiccup), try as hard as you can to inhale (but use your hands to prevent any air from entering). If you are successful, the next hiccup will cause you to hear a sound like a muted burp. After the last hiccup, sit quietly; wait about twenty seconds before taking your next breath, then breathe slowly.
Cures you can do by yourself with no tools
# Fart.
# Burp.
# Don't swallow.
# Burp a little bit.
# (X) Say "pineapple."
# (X) Stand on your head.
# Make yourself vomit.
# Talk non-stop for ten seconds.
# Scream for as long as you can.
# (Women:) Stimulate your clitoris.
# Count to twenty with your fingers in your ears.
# (X) Hold your head far back and stroke you throat.
# Urinate; concentrate on both peeing and breathing.
# Gently rub your ear lobe until the hiccups are gone.
# Massage right below your rib cage (on both sides).
# Apply acupressure at pressure point Pericardium 6.
# Rub the back of your tongue to stimulate the gag reflex.
# Press yourself to the carpet as hard as you can and hold it.
# With your eyes closed, massage your eyeballs through your eyelids.
# (X) Run; keep running for at least 10 minutes after the hiccups have subsided.
# Rub your soft palate with your finger or a cotton swab until you almost gag.
# Hold your tongue with your thumb and index finger and gently pull it forward.
# Sitting quietly without distractions, concentrating hard, anticipate the arrival of the next hiccup.
# With one hand, apply pressure to the gums above your front teeth and to a point just below your nose.
# Place the fingers of both hands together right below the center of your ribcage; press in and up at the same time.
# Squeeze the end joint of your index finger with the thumb and index finger of the other hand firmly. Hold until the hiccups stop.
# With your fingers, apply mild but firm pressure to the phrenic nerves at the position where they cross each side of the collarbone.
# (X) With your right thumb, press firmly on the "pressure point" (#18 on this diagram ) of your left hand (reverse if you're left-handed).
# (X) As soon as possible after the first hiccup, rap yourself sharply on the solar-plexus (a few times in a row if necessary) with the side of your balled fist.
# (X) Take a finger full of hair from the crown of your head and as hard as you can stand (though not hard enough to pull the hair out) for 10 seconds.
# (X) Pinch the back of your shoulder until it hurts (this works because the nerves in your shoulder and the nerves that control your diaphragm come from the same place).
# Put your hands and elbows over your head and hold your breath (for a count of twenty, or for longer than the space between hiccups, or for as long as you can).
# Just before your next hiccup, tighten your diaphragm, as if you are trying to burp. When the next hiccup occurs, it will cause you to burp instead, and the hiccups are over. Rarely, you may have to do it a second time. (Dick McBirney asks that you call it the "McBirney Technique.")
# Close the eyes, press the thumbs against the eyeballs with enough pressure to be mildly uncomfortable, hold that for thirty seconds at least (do not exceed 3 minutes, as blood flow to the retina could be compromised in a very select group with a longer than 3 minute exposure) then rapidly release. Some advocate holding your breath while doing this (which is reasonable since few can hold their breath longer than 3 minutes thus saving providing an automatic protection against unduly compromising the retinal blood flow.)
# (X) Count the approx. number of seconds between each hiccup, i.e. normal interval between hiccups could be several seconds apart. With this information as a guide, now anticipate each hiccup and mimic the hiccups both in frequency, sound, and even body language, so that you are deliberately hiccupping 'in sync' with it, even better if you can exaggerate the mimicking activity -- like acting on stage? The hiccups should disappear after 5 to 6 deliberations, between 20 seconds to half a minute usually. (Peter Liu, who discovered this technique, has asked that it be identified here as the "Peter-Pierre Method.")
And there are more.

Moon Phase