What is it with San Onofre that attracts predators from land, sea and air? The onslaught of rabid squirrels, rattlesnakes, angry hawks and assorted sharks, has gotten out of hand according to local surfers. Just this past weekend our own Archibald Rice was viciously attacked by a venomous sea snake. Witnesses stated that Archie ran up the beach from the water holding his crotch, screaming "it got me". Luckily, on shore was Shotzy Shaffer, a retired WWII MASH nurse. Shotzy slowly lowered Archie's boardshorts and uttered "oh lord, it bit him on the scrotum". Archie was visibly in agony as Shotzy slowly sucked the venom from his body. The horror in Archie's face soon turned to ecstasy. In the crowd, men groaned and covered their kid's eyes while women gasped for Archie had grown a huge boner. Always the hero, Henry Ford draped a large Oxbow beach towel over the massive appendage. Archie turned towards the crowd and jeered "now why don't you salute this flag". Several women on the sidelines had to be treated for the vapors. Shotzy Shaffer was rushed to Mission Hospital for venom injestion and is reportedly in guarded condition. Stay away from San Onofre! It's just too dangerous.