Sunday, February 01, 2009


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking mother, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates".

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you"?

Brian said, "well , I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote.


I'm not saying you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take the gravy ladle...but the fact remains that our silver gravy ladle has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Just checking...Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an e-mail back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer, but the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Just checking...Love, Mom


captain colon said...

Murphy dagnabbit, you are grabbing at straws. Sadly, you are in the teilight of your years. Now do something rather than wallow in self pity.

Chuck Barris said...

The entire world wide web to steal something humorous from and Murphy comes up with this??????

murphy said...

When there is no surf, my mind begins to wander. What were we talking about?

Murphy said...

What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? -- you rock to the beat.

How do you mend a broken jack o' lantern? -- with a pumpkin patch.

what do you call a lease of false teeth? -- a dental rental

Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog

What did the art dealer say when a man asked what a picture was supposed to be? -- a reflection of you.

what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore

What falls down but never gets hurt? -- snow

What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb

How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up

Who greets you at a haunted house? -- a host ghost

Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich

Where can you find an ocean without water? -- on a map

What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? -- a hobby horse

Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles

What do you call an avid gardener? -- herb

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree

What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? -- a grape nobody picks on

What did the tree say to the mountain? -- stop peaking at me!

What are sailors' favorite fruits? -- naval oranges

Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank

What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the Brits)? -- Let's dance and I'll dip you.

Why do bees have sticky hair? -- they use honeycombs

Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? -- he wanted to get the scoop

Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? -- a chipmonk

What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around

What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.

What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed!

Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? -- They gave the actors stage fright

How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)

What do you do if a rhino charges you? -- Give him your credit card.

Why did they bury the battery? -- Because it was dead.

What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes

What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do?

What does a car run on? -- wheels

What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip

where do pigs park their cars? -- in a porking lot

Why did the banana leave the cinema? -- the film didn't appeal to him.

Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? -- because his mother was a wafer so long.

What do you call a hot dog in a bun? -- an in betweenie weenie.

Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? -- He found a leek there.

How do you make a witch itch? -- take away her W

What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? -- tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*

What do you call a crab who plays baseball? -- a pinch-hitter

What is the clumsiest bee? -- a bumbling bee

What kind of bean can't grow? -- a jelly bean

Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? -- a martian mellow

How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? -- eclipse it

What do you do when you have no rubber bands? -- find a plastic orchestra

-- -- -- -- and some old favorites -- -- -- -- -- -

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence.

What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender

What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus

Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly

What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you (heather's favorite)

What's brown and sticky? -- a stick

What's red and not there -- no tomatoes

What's white and flies through the sky? -- the coming of the lord

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? -- a very cross penguin

Anonymous said...

Without Murphy this San-O Daze would be nothing. For all your readers, Murphy, let me say thank you from the bottem of our heart, you truly are priceless.


The Proctologist said...

Murphy went to his doctor complaining that his asshole was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.

"It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from Murphy's anus. Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too.

And then another! And another! And many more.

Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills from the fellow's ass, and began to count it. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money)

The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in your anus!"

And Murphy replied,

"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"

Murphy said...

Thank you, Thank you all!

TA DA said...

Murphy, what's it feel like when you're having a stroke?

Murphy said...

A stroke is a warm tingly feeling from head to toe. Not unlike have a giant bowel movement.



Anonymous said...

Murphy, did you know MOM turned upside down is WOW. I knew you did, didn't you.

Moon Phase